Other things to help you win

This page is done with satire in mind, however the things mentioned here have all been used to help my teammates, myself or even our oppenents get a competitive edge. Whether it helped or not is questionable. Not all of these tips display good sportsmanship, use them at your own risk.

1. Eat Smarties candy for their magical hidden power up effect

2. Go unshaven for a few days before a tournament so you look "tough and mean"

3. Tape your pockets on your shorts closed so you don't catch your hands in them when jumping (and more aerodynamic)

4. After siding out or scoring a point on a hit simply turn around and walk back with no celebration to demoralize the other team.

5. Laugh and talk about things totally unrelated to the game while you are playing to show the team that you really aren't paying attention but you still are winning. (only do this when ahead by a comfortable margin)

6. Buy ultra cool sunglasses that don't break if you get smacked in the face.

7. Be "buff"

8. After scoring a point that ends a match make a funky gesture with your hands

9. Breathe loudly from your nostrils

10. Grunt alot

11. When you screw up, yell at yourself.

12. When a teammate screws up, yell at him.

13. When your teammate yells at you and you don't think you screwed up, yell at him.

14. If you would rather not yell, give your teammate stinkeye. (works better without sunglasses)

15. Get pissed off at the other team. Hard to do with teams that are nice.

16. Yell "C'mon!" when you make a bad pass and want your teammate to hustle and get it.

17. When going up for hit be sure to try to impart violence on the ball and anything that it may contact. If someone blocks it or digs it, make sure they feel it.

18. Play bare footed

19. If your opponents are jerks, treat them like jerks

20. Play kids in the 13-14 year old range

21. Come up with nicknames for opposing players

22. Get a cool temporary tattoo for a tournament

23. Have fans that are loud and obnoxious

24. Play with your own ball

25. Warm up by throwing around a football (same strategy as number 5)

26. Tell your teammates that you are the worst team on the net

27. When you make the playoffs, quit. (People will think you had better things to do then kick their butt)

28. If you screw up yell loud and swear at yourself

29. If you screw up some more take off something you are wearing and throw it in disgust

30. If you screw up on game point, kick the ball off the court and say bad things about the ball's mother.

31. Wear a bandanna

32. Get to know tournament directors so they stack the pools favorably for you

33. Heckle the other team

34. Always let the other team choose side or serve, act as though you could care less what they choose

35. Pour Gatorade on your head to cool off (Has some residual stickiness effect)

36. If the prizes you are playing for are good, try harder.

37. Go to the bathroom before you play to increase your vertical

38. Bring your guitar to play at your victory party

39. Ask an opposing player if they are ok after you bang a hit off of them

40. Act like you are concerned that the net is too low and you prefer it to be as high as possible.

41. Borrow your Dad's full size truck and cruise to the event in spacious comfort.

42. If things aren't going well change your appearance... if you are wearing a hat, take it off, change the lenses in your glasses, take your shirt off, put a bandanna on, take your shoes off....etc...

43. Volunteer to figure out playoff seeds if tournament sponsors can't do it.

44. Have your games filmed so you feel more inclined to play really well.

45. On game point after your partner suggests some defensive tactics to win the game with you, tell him you will just get an ace instead.

46. Play in events that have restroom facilities so repulsive that it aggravates you to play better.

47. Set your chairs and bags up close enough to the net that it annoys one of your opponents.

48. Smoke cigarettes nearby your opponents between games

49. Make sound effects as you play, especially on good hits and blocks

50. When an opposing team makes a good hard kill say "Nice spot"

51. If someone smokes a hit off you and you manage to barely get an arm on it, act real pissed that you missed the easy dig

52. If a team consistently dinks on you give them serious stinkeye and accidentally throw the ball over their head

53. If they keep dinking on you, insult their manhood

54. If you are ahead by a large margin, play a ball that is clearly out while saying "I guess I'll play this anyway"

55. Try playing a game in complete silence. (This has never been proven, and you need to know your partner, but will surely drive the other team insane if you win)

56. As a blocker, make multiple finger signals to your partner every play, but never do anything different

57. As the non-blocker be sure to change the inflection in your voice and act concerned when you acknowledge your partner's block (even though it is the same thing every time)

58. Act really bored

59. When your partner yells "He's up!", indicating a block, hit by him while saying, "I don't care!"

60. Make friends with other teams that don't affect your ranking, but can act as spoilers and beat your enemies. Cheer them on, offer them tips.

61. Never ever ever show the other team you are hurt. Get up with your last bit of strength and call a time out. Have some smarties. See tip #1.

62. Make other teams lazy and sluggish by giving them fattening breakfast donuts.

63. If you are unhappy with the way a tournament is run, steal the drink coolers. (empty them first)

64. When you are calling a hit for your partner, instead of calling line or angle yell descriptive sentences like, "Break a window", or "Hit it harder"

65. If your teammate has no sunglasses or $5 ones, carry a spare $150 pair of glasses to give to them so they can see.

66. Use "negative reinforcement" to anger your partner to new levels of performance

67. Take the blame for all negative events that occur in a game even things like your partner hitting a serve into the net.

68. Make sure your net takes 3 hours longer than any others to finish so the teams you play will be sleepy, grumpy and annoyed when you play them.

69. If you are losing badly or have no chance of winning resort to trying to leave a lasting impression on your opponents by drilling a ball somewhere on their body.  (Face is best, followed by groin)

70. If someone is consistently doing cheap plays like dinking, return the ball under the net with a roll that will take 5 minutes to reach the opposing server (or not at all)

71. Power chug a gallon of ice tea

72. Have your mouth full of food then drink something while trying to breathe at the same time causing you to projectile vomit the food and gross your opponents out. 

73. Never play with your spouse or if you do never say anything but "Good <fill in the blank>, honey!"

74. Play at higher levels than your friends and then after you lose every game remind them that you are playing at a higher level and would have won if you were playing at a lower level.

75. If you are playing on sand, wait till your opponent bends down to pick up a ball, then kick sand in his eyes in disgust and then don't apologize.

76. If someone complains that a trash can that is 20 feet outside the court hindered them tell them "Too bad."

77. Always have shelter to keep you cool in warm playing conditions.

78. Always look disgusted or pissed off.

79. Try to hammer every hit as hard as possible in practice to make teams think they have lost before you even step on the court.

80. Play through any pain by using a combination of ace bandages, knee braces, flexall 454 and aspirin.

81. If playing in sand, after you dive for a ball and get all sandy take your time strolling over to get a towel and towel off in a slow and annoying fashion to perturb the other team.

82. In the above situation do nothing after you are coated in sand to display your lack of concern for the gritty particles adhering to your body.

83. While you are still coated in the sand try to get an opposing player up on a block and then hammer a hit which causes the sand to spray all over him.

84. If you lose to a team that annoys you, make sure to take a mental note of it and destroy them the next time you play them.

85. When you screw up yell "Damn me!" So your teammates know they don't have to damn you since you already have done it.

86. When you make a horrible set that is below the net and real tight yell "Swing away" so it looks like your partner screwed up. ("Lotsa room" can also be used if you make a pass into the net)

87. If you make a mistake lay on your stomach and pound the ground furiously to scare the other team into screwing up.

88. As you block, jump high in the air and instead of putting your hands over the net, wave them around and make funny noises so your opponent is laughing too hard to hit.

89. Have your matched video taped so you can relive your errors over and over and over again...

90. As you make a good hit yell things like "Never!" to indicate that your opponents shouldn't even bother trying to dig that particular hit.

91.  During warmups, hit balls straight down that bounce high over the opponents heads so they don't serve to you during a game.

92. Set up a soccer goal 150 feet behind your net so it stops balls that go out of bounds.

93.  If your teammate had the net and noone else saw it but you, turn around and act busy.

94. After a team comes to your net and adjusts the net height, the boundaries and asks to play with their ball, spank them 11-0 and then enjoy the fireworks afterward as they swear and go for distance as they punt their ball down the field, followed by a prolonged sulking session afterward.

95. If you have been passing inconsistently all day and finally make a good pass and your partner makes a bad set, give him hell.

96. When faced with playing a match in near total darkness, switch to bat sonar mode and track the ball with your ears.

97. To help pump you up, have one of your annoying friends come over and give you a hard time while playing in the playoffs.   Be sure to remind him that at least you are still playing while he is collecting grass stains on his ass.

98. Anger an opposing teams player so much that he kicks the ball off the court twice.

99. Change your luck by ignoring most of these tips and win a major tournament

100. Get into a taunting match with a weird German guy

101. Have someone on your team that taunts better than the German guy

102. Ask your teammate to call you an idiot every time you perform a habitually bad move on the court

103. Drink beer when you think the day is over

104. Have someone guard your personal belongings while you are playing, so they don't get stolen

105. If your teammate is arguing a play don't freely offer up support for the opponents point of view

106. If every time you handset, you hear the other side grumbling, switch to bump setting

107. When you go up for a hit, instead of striking the ball, grab it with your hand and throw it quickly and then when asked about it's legality say that you snapped your wrist.

108. Play in front of  a crowd of 100 gay men to inspire you to win quickly and vacate the area.

109. Always be sure to bring along the lucky girlfriend if you want to win an event.

110. Play in events where your entire "pool" consists of 1 net.

111. If you lose to a team the previous year, play on that team the next year.

112. Use training devices to arrive at that magic moment where you realize what you have been doing wrong your entire volleyball career.

113. Play your final matches in front of crowds that are overtly hostile towards your winning, then win anyway.

114. Stay loose for your next match by making sure that all bathroom and food resources are located a half mile away.

115. When the other team asks you if you mind if they hit a few to warm up, tell them "No, you aren't allowed to"

116. If you go up, hit the ball and score a point but don't hit the ball straight down and hard, act disappointed and curse yourself for not performing up to par.

117. Play in events that cover various levels (BB/A, AA/A) so you can never be accused of sandbagging.

118. After getting burned on the same placement shot a dozen times, play that spot only and dare the opponent to hit the ball anywhere else.

119. If you lose a tough match grab the ball, get a running start and then fire the ball into the bleachers as hard as you can to indicate you should have won.

120. Play opponents that were out all night partying.

121. Insist on taking a pass even if your partner calls for it twice.

122. Build up a playoff opponents confidence during pool play and then console them after you steamroll them.

123. Steal a backbrace from a WalMart employee and wear it during play to give extra support.

124. Wear exotic tight bodysuits to play so others are distracted from laughing at your apparel.

125. Win fan support by having comfortable seating equipment near your net.

126. Bring your pet bird to the tournament to console you if you lose.

127. Listen to stories about the American Revolution to inspire you to defeat the enemy the following day!

128. Play teams at tournaments that you also play locally on a regular basis so you know what to expect.

129. If you are playing beach ball and see a ball come rolling towards the ocean, put your arms behind your back, bend over and watch it roll into the waves. 

130. Abandon fake tattoos and instead use fake magnetic earrings at special pressure points to block pain to your joints.

131. If you think a serve is going to hit the net but it doesn't, simply catch it and roll it back to the server to indicate you could have passed it but decided not to.

132. Fly 1200 miles to play in the "big" tournament but later discover your entire division has 5 teams.

133. Relax after a tournament by riding a bicycle built for two while playing guitar and having your buddy provide rhythm with the bike's bell.

134.  Eat an entire 14 inch pizza bianco before a big match the following day.

135. If faced with a hot day, get a self service umbrella to stay cool. When you see the beach boy coming around to collect payment, quickly vacate the area and let your teammate pay the tab.

136. Have a verbose opposing player provide commentary on your matches.

137. If you win both days of a 2 day tournament, use your extra prizes to barter for something you really want.

138. If you make a dumb mistake yell loudly, "I suck!" to fool your opponents into thinking you are a bad player.

139. After you have ensured your victory in a tournament do things you never do in the final game, and then still win by double digits.

140. Try to break yourself of the bad habit of hitting the ball with your fist by yelling, Fist!!!!  my ass! and then politely make sure people know it didn't mean to come out that way.

141. After a long, hot, sweaty day crawl into a space under some stairs and change your clothes to relax.

142.  To cool off jump into the ocean and then realize the water is hotter than the air so come out again to cool off.

143. Travel to a different state to play a tournament and then on the very first play of the very first match, get six packed and laugh it off.

144. Keep serving the weak partner on an enemy team even though the other guy is begging for a serve.

145. Trick your opponents into thinking you are a good sport and then do an about face and  quickly catch and throw a dig and refuse to  play it over even if the other team asks nicely.

146. Sign up for a tournament that has another guy with the same name as your partner so you can pick which one you play with.

147. Play in tournaments that have all sorts of high tech equipment, except the dot matrix printer that takes 45 minutes to print out the pool sheets.

148.  When faced with playing in hot weather conditions, be thankful that tournaments only use 1 game to 11 formats.

149. Always keep proof that you paid to register in a tournament in case they don't believe you

150.  Skip the team meetings at the beginning of a tournament, ask other players what was said while you warm up instead.

151.  After taking a hit in the balls, bounce back up and ask for another.

152. Sign up for a tournament as a walk on so you are forced to play out on monkey island all by yourselves.

153. Play future volleyball phenoms at a young  age so you can boast later that you beat them way back when.

154. After you make an unforced error, yell loudly and carry on to embarrass your partner.  Use the tantrum to clear your mind to do better on the next play.

155. Shave your head so you look very mean

156. If you are accused of sandbagging, make sure you don't get off your net and then divert the blame to your partner.

157. Let the hair on the top of your head grow extra long so you look even taller to opponents.

158. Block a hard driven ball straight down, with your face.

159. Get a free pass to say any curse word you choose, just immediately say "I apologize" afterward.

160. After a bad play, in one lighting quick motion, take your glasses off your face and whip them ninja style into the sand to relieve your frustration quickly

161. Use unorthodox windmill style hits to fake out unsuspecting opponents

162. Carefully blend a mixture of fine powdery sand, sunblock and sweat to give the opponents the illusion that you are a huge melting candle.

163. Offer to help someone raise their net by tightening the guidelines, then pull it down instead and let the tournament directors put it back up

164. Listen closely to what opponents girlfriends are saying about you, if it is derogatory, use it as fuel to come back and beat their sweety pies.

165.  After mis-hitting a perfect set, grab the ball, bend your knees and fling the ball upward as high as you can with both hands.  Afterwards act like nothing happened to freak out your opponents.

166.  Encourage your partner to belly up and play after he throws up from the heat, twice...

167. After the match, offer your partner a fresh bottle of pickle juice  to help rejuvenate him even though he despises pickles like Superman hates kryptonite.

168. Relish in your opponent yelling F&CKKKKKKKKKKKKKK, WHHHHHHHHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! During your first match.

169.  When faced with playing in long drawn out games in extreme heat and humidity, casually kick the ball as you bend down to retrieve it to give your team more recuperation time between points.

170. If you are faced with a loss and are serving, hit the serve as hard as you can and as high as you can so the other team has to walk 200 feet to retrieve it.

171. Become bilingual so you can talk your second language with your partner during matches to disguise your conversations.

172.  If you accomplish nothing else during a tournament, make SURE you at least beat the team that is wearing matching outfits.

173. Play in a hellacious storm so the field gets muddy. Then serve to the girl on the other team that keeps falling down.

174. Play a skyball serve that lands right on top of the net, bounces over to your side, and then trip yourself on the boundary lines, taking out both yourself and your teammate who is backing you up.

175. Don't ever practice, just play a couple times a summer and still manage to win some games.

176.  Lose your voice and then bark out inaudible commands to teammates that they can't understand but sound scary to the other team.

177. If getting heckled by noisy fans, briefly show your hairy ass crack to them to disgust them into silence.

178. Sharpen your skills by playing pool volleyball the day before a tournament.

179. Tell your teammate you will pick him up for a tournament and then leave him at home and call from the tournament asking him where he is to anger him into great play.

180.  Before a tournament do pushups and handstands to get loose

181. When warming up for a match have your partner throw the ball far to either side so you can look silly diving for balls while getting all sandy for no reason before it matters

182. Tell people you played volleyball at Georgia Tech, neglect to mention what you meant was you played pickup games outside the dorm

183.  Sprint across blazing hot sand to avoid burning the soles of your feet.  Make mental note that sand socks would be a wise purchase before the next tournament.

184. Make fun of male players with tattoos on their lower back like girls, use it as a distraction from the stresses of competition

185. Wear matching shorts AND matching arm bands on the SAME arm.  See tip 172

186. Smuggle your dog on the beach to give you subtle canine support

187. Yell F*CK very loud.  After you lose on game point, angrily tear the net down to show you shouldn't have lost.

188. If a ball rolls onto your court, blindly spin around and kick it full force to let others know it better not happen again.

189. Wear a red speedo and a matching tight red tanktop to freak out all of your male competitors.  Claim it is a normal tradition in your country and is not big deal.

190. Buy a pair of sandsocks to protect your feet from the blistering sand.  After you beat a team that has no socks, offer them a pair of regular socks to help them beat the other teams.

191. After not going after a serve, in frustration, reach down and scoop up 2 big piles of sand and grind it into your hair like you are shampooing with it.  While your opponents are staring in disbelief score a quick side out.

192. If both you and your partner forget to bring any type of shelter for a blistering hot beach tournament, whore shade from various people throughout the day to keep your body temperature down.

193. If your opponent comes crashing under the net towards you, deal an inadvertent hard blow to his temple to throw off his sense of balance for the rest of the match.

194. If you are losing badly to a team you shouldn't be, turn to your partner and encourage him by saying "Let us try to be more challenging!"

195.  If you are serving for game point say, "Good game!" and THEN actually win the game.

196.  If you have been passing erratically, offer your partner tips on setting so that he does a better job of setting your scattergun passes.

197.  Never lose to the same team twice in the same tournament.

198.  Offer nothing but constant coaching to your young volleyball partner.  Constantly critique his every move so he can't concentrate on simply playing.

199. Go over on 2 more often than not.

200.  On game point after a long game and an exhausting rally, go over on one to get the win quickly.

201. Go through warm up drills while wearing your Ipod to demonstrate your hippness as well as your dexterity to avoid the dangling wires.

202. After repeatedly costing your team points by illegally hand setting the serve, instead bump the ball off your head just as you were about to perform the same dumb move.

203.  Take notice that the total age of your 2 opponents added together is less than your age.  Use it as motivation to perform better.

204. Offer to let other teams on your net stay under the shade of your shelter AFTER you play them.

205. Break the tension of a match by executing a ridiculous looking slow pirouette finished off with an awkward fall into the sand while attempting to reach a ball.

206. Wear your lucky visor of a NFL team that you don't like

207. Grow your hair to the point that people hardly recognize who you are to confuse opponents

208. Have a towel hanging out the front of your shorts and use it to thoroughly and compulsively clean the ball of sand before each play.

209. Never hit a ball, instead just use your knuckles to poke the ball randomly all over the court so your opponents have no idea where it is going.

210. When a team on your net is ready to start their first match, tell them they have to play with your ball for all of the games since it was decided upon beforehand by 3 of the 5 teams without anyone else knowing. Do this after spending 10 minutes screwing with the net and also suggesting that the boundary lines be moved.

211. If the other team is huddling up and talking strategy with other people during every stop in play, walk over to your partner and act like you are talking strategy as well.  Turn around and point at one of the opposing players and then make some gestures.

212. You and your teammate wear matching white shorts AND matching long sleeve, white spandex shirts and then try to ignore the constant laughter you hear throughout the day.

213. When going up for a hit on game point and your partner is in your way, yell "CLEAR OUT!"  The other team could possibly interpret this as a warning they should vacate the court as well.

214. Saunter onto the court wearing an old auto mechanics striped button down shirt, unbuttoned, to confuse your opponents regarding your sexual orientation.

215. Tell other players how you won the last game 21-12 and how your partner gave up 11 of those 12 points to help inflate your ego.

216. After reaching your melting point, rip your hat off your head and throw it into the sand, then pick it up, put it back on your head, and throw it down again a second time, even harder.

217. Tell your partner when you are facing game point against you, "I don't care if you hit the ball out, just swing away at it..."

218. When serving on a crucial point that will decide if you go to the playoffs or not, tell your partner you are going to serve it to the weaker player and then serve to the stronger player and lose.

219. If your partner yells, "ME,ME" on serve, yell "ME,ME,ME!" and take the serve.

220. Give your team international support by recruiting a girl from Poland to cheer you on

221. Win favor with other players by loaning them socks to protect their feet from scorching sand.

222. Explain repeatedly to young players why they HAVE to play on your net since you are the higher playoff seed.   After they complain and begrudgingly come to your net, beat them.

223. Dazzle your opponents by showcasing your soccer abilities during a match.  Make dramatic foot saves and then during time outs put on a ball handling exhibition.

224. Get embarrassed by your loud swearing rants when you notice there are young children around.  Relegate yourself to only mumbling curse words quietly to yourself the rest of the day.

225. Lose by serving into the net on game point and become so enraged that you punt the ball down the beach and don't bother to retrieve it. 

226. Have your partner dress in red shorts with a yellow top so he looks like the Human Torch.  Just before he is about to serve a game winning jump serve, yell "Flame On!"

227. When you find out that one of the players on the team you are playing in the finals is from France, ask him "Are you planning to surrender?"

228. Admit to your partner after a devastating loss in pool play that you feel depressed so he can crank up his level of play to carry you through the mini-playoff game.

229. Prepare for a tournament by playing various Wii Sports games the night before.

230. Conceal a pack of baby wipes in a towel and carry the towel with you to the public restroom to make sure you aren't "up the creek without a paddle" when performing your customary pre-tournament bowel movement.

231. When you commit a stupid mistake, yell "(YOUR NAME), YOU MONKEY!!!!!"

232. When you step off the plane for a tournament, be sure you are wearing full AVP regalia to make people think you are a pro.  Decline all autograph requests.

233. Eat away your despair of a poor performance with a greasy sub from A&M's

234. Frustrate the other team enough that they don't even try to return serve.

235. If you are down in a game 10-5, hammer your opponent's ball into the creek so you can no longer use it.  Then play the rest of the match with your ball and score a miraculous 13-11 comeback win.

236. Get loose before a match by sprinting after your dog who is running in fear from the pre-tourney fireworks.

237. Find comfort after not making the playoffs by putting on your long sleeved Kennedy Space Center shirt even though the temps are hovering close to 90.

238.    When you partner repeatedly sets you high, outside sailing over the net, remind him that you are not the 6’6” All-American starting outside hitter from Pepperdine but a short, fat and slow player instead.

239.  When your partner hits a ball over the net that could possibly be out by a few inches, take matters into your own hands and charge under the net to try to make an impossible play back over to your side.

240. After your partner jumps to hit a ball coming over the net, misses it and falls down, set the ball high in the air while screaming at him "GET UP!"

241. Every time your partner serves out of bounds or into the net, write the amount of missed serves in the sand in big numbers to serve as a visual reminder of his serving ineptitude.

242. Ignore your common sense and drive 35 miles in the wrong direction instead of asking for directions.  Arrive at the tourney seconds before it is your time to play.

243. After shanking a pass backwards, chastise your partner for not being able to stop on a dime and sprint the opposite direction to track down your errant pass.

244. After finding your team on the brink of elimination in the championship match, end the drama abruptly by simply serving into the net.

245. Offer to pay for your partner's parking fees as restitution for poor play. 

246. When the opposing team's server is about to serve the ball raise your hand and call "TIME" for no reason other than to be an annoying little prick.

247. Win favor with spectators by offering encouragement to the 12 year playing on the other team to try to keep his spirit from being crushed by the cascade of negativity from his AA "mentor"  that does nothing but bitch at him after every single mistake.

248. Drink some awful, skunky beer before the playoffs.

249. Run off a dozen points in a row by simply serving underhand and letting the 20 mph wind do the rest.

250. Misread an opponents writing on his volleyball as "Missie" instead of "Missle"  Then ask him repeatedly if his name is "Missie" to embarrass  their team.  Then get stomped by them.

251. Have you and your partner wear the tournament t-shirt that was handed out at registration to mislead opponents into thinking you are mega-noobs.

252. Have a friend cover the event like he was  an actual sports reporter.  When you partner is giving a dry, boring recount of your embarrassing loss, interrupt him with "it was horrible, my worst nightmare" and walk away.

253. After announcing your retirement from the sport after an awful outing, leave the door open just a crack by invoking the Brett Farve clause.

254. The night before a tournament prepare by drinking a six pack of beer while filming ridiculous workout videos in an open garage in plain view of the neighborhood.

255. Talk in depth about the 2011 Camaro with other players to distract you from thinking about your poor play.

256. Refuse to put on the sand socks that are in your bag despite searing hot sand as self inflicted punishment for your unforced errors during the game.

257. Drink all of your partners beer while you sulk in the tent and he is playing a pick up game.

258 Spend most of the evening cleaning gutters the night before a tournament to clear your mind. (and dirty your body)

259. ALWAYS beat the fish.

260. The day before a tournament buy a sympathy card. Sign it, seal it and hand it to your normal partner immediately after beating him  in the playoffs the next day.

261. Ask one of your playoff opponents how to beat them.  Then simply follow their advice and win easily.

262. Act like you are much too busy for a post game interview by checking text messages on your phone while being asked questions.

263. Invoke the Brett Farve "never say never" clause and come out of retirement with a new team and enjoy success on the court.

264. When filming playoff games for your buddies after you have been eliminated, fill lapses in the action with gratuitous T&A footage.

265. Bring your pressure washer along to a tournament to make a few extra bucks on the side.

266. After a long tiring day, dilliy dally under the tent for hours while your partner is ready to leave, tapping his foot.

267. After beating a team in the playoffs, offer up some of your winnings to them to help lessen the sting of defeat.

268. Wear matching style of outfits but each player wear a different coordinated color.

269. Try to hit a ball that is 40 feet high by jumping 5 seconds early, totally whiff and then do the Nestea Plunge into the sand.  Try to ignore the outbursts of laughter.

270. If caught in a torrential downpour on the beach, huddle under a tiny umbrella with 4 other people for 15 minutes.  Your bodies will be soaked but at least your head will be dry.

271.  Get big and strong only to find out it has made you stiff and slow.

272. Take off your shirt so you look like you could play open.  Never mind that on the court you look like a B division also ran.

273. Find a way to lose to a player that is twice your age, when you are in your mid 30's.

274. After winning a game that meant nothing to anyone else but you, go on an e-rampage, posting news of your victory far and wide.  Hold a local parade in your honor.

275. After you beat a team, tell them the game was for beers and actually mean it.

276. When your partner asks you to spray sun block on his back, spray thin lines instead so he looks like an angry tiger after playing shirtless all day.

277. If you lose to a team, make a cartoon about their bad play afterward and publish it on the internet.

278.  When an opposing player is going up to hit yell "Give it to me! Give it to me!"  indicating you are quite anxious to dig his hit.

279. Participate in endurance activities like half marathons and triathlons so you are just fine in hot conditions while your opponents cramp and have to forfeit games.

280. Chastise your partner enough during a game that he dumps you and plays with somebody else the next game.

281.  When you are called for hitting the net on game point try to act mildly surprised before walking off the court in defeat.

282. After winning your division, take on all challengers in grudge match games and beat them as well.

283.  When someone tries to console you after you lose a game by saying "Good playing" dismiss them by saying "Not really"

284.  When someone from another court comes charging onto your court chasing down an errant ball, drop your shoulder and lay him out on the grass.

285.  Wrap your ankles like an MMA fighter and play barefooted so you can challenge opponents to a Ju Jitsu match if you lose on the court.

286.  After waiting three hours for the tournament directors to figure out the playoffs try to not be annoyed that you wind up playing a team you weren't supposed to on a net that you shouldn't have been on. 

287.  Look on the bright side when you are forced to play your playoff in the dog run area of the park that is filled with roots, ruts and rocks.  Avoid any dog landmines.

288. Power through a long day by doubling up a 5 Hour Energy with a chaser of Monster Energy drinks before every match.

289. Pack the current USA Volleyball rule book in your bag so you can be the final authority on any and all rule disputes.

290. Play in tournaments where they are so cheap that they ration water so you jump higher due to weighing less from dehydration.

291.  Smash your toes early in a match so they look like they belong on a zombie from "Walking Dead". Use your grossly disfigured feet to garner pity from opponents and favor with female team supporters.

292. When a big lunk on the other team has been drilling hits all game, instead of trying to dig his next bullet, squat down and catch it cleanly, dodgeball style, and yell "You're out!" 

293. Finish up an 0-4 performance at the beach with a botched "see you later, thanks for playing" handshake attempt with your partner.  Vow to never give anything but fist bumps in the future.

294. Bring your own court rake to make sure the beach surface is as level and debris-free as possible.

295. Just as your partner is tossing his serve, bark out a change in your blocking plan to distract him into hitting his serve into the net.

296. Arrive to a tournament 20 minutes late because your wife didn't make your breakfast smoothie in a timely fashion.

297. Instead of using sunblock, roll in the sand after hitting into the net so it adheres to your sweat soaked body.

298. Console other players that you beat in a King of the Beach style event by presenting them with "I Shit the Bed" certificates at the awards ceremony.

299. After having subpar performances for most of the day, strip off your lycra top, revealing your bright white skin to blind opponents.  Team this with putting on a pair of Zems so your feet look like matching camel toes to further distract the other team, go undefeated from that point on.

300. Have your teammate serve 12 points in a row while you stand around and rest for the next game.

301.  Never concede, never give up, never settle, never be afraid to lose, never think you can't win, never  think anyone is better, and most importantly never take it too seriously.